This is a hard post to write. I am exhausted following the trials of the last few days (weeks, months, etc.) but I will try to keep clear. Those of you who enjoy my digressions will be disappointed and those of you who want me to get to the point will rejoice.
I didn't compete in the race. The 2012 MR 340 went on, and I was unable to join in.
The inevitable question will be, "Why?"
Oddly, it wasn't because I wasn't ready. I was as prepared. I had my supplies, a crew, a boat, and I wanted to be out there. Mentally I can power through anything, and physically I can defy logic. Also, the boat was operating as built. All the parts worked and it was assembled in time- a little later than start, but well within the time I would need to keep in the race. But there is a flip-side to that: the boat was built incorrectly.
In a strange turn of events, I overbuilt the hull. It had too much displacement, which meant that it was unstable and that the prop and rudder were not riding in the water the way I wanted. I said the boat was operating as built, but not as intended. In a nutshell, I couldn't get it to propel fast enough, and even if I had moved, I couldn't steer. After the last boats left the point, I tried to get it going, but I could do nothing to make it ride lower (though I theorized that if I had added ballast in the form of a big hunk of rock/concrete to the back and front, I could get it to ride lower... which is probably true but also insane). I pronounced the test a failure and we disassembled and went home.
I'm disappointed in myself for this. Many people were behind me on this project and dedicated their time and effort into making it happen. I did not treat this self-sacrifice with the proper gravity, and I let them down. Everyone has been polite about it and they may even be sincere in saying they don't mind, but I mind. I must apologize and take full responsibility for all of this.
However, I have not given up on the goal. I am not sure I know exactly what the next steps are (aside from getting a good night of sleep and drinking some rum), but I can tell you that this is not the end. What I have made is a boat. It isn't a very good boat, but it is a boat. And from this I have taken a great deal of knowledge. It's been educational both in the sense of mechanics and hydrodynamics, but also into myself and where I fail. This is the sort of moment which should be spent in self-reflection, in an honest assessment of what happened and how to overcome the problems. The last nine hours, my mind has been grinding and processing the information. There are solutions, and I will find them. What has been done will inform the next steps, and the machine which follows will improve.
In the end, I haven't failed as much as helped to define a path. And with the continued support of my friends, I will move forward. This is one part of a larger story.
The target remains.
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